9 Conscious Parenting Tips                            

(as featured in the Children of the New Earth online magazine (February 2006 issue))

Children have changed dramatically in the last 25 years.  The new generation of children thinks differently and is more sensitive to others’ emotional energy and intentions.  They are more intuitive and spiritually aware.  They can tell when people are being honest and straightforward with them.  Children today need respect and democracy.  They expect explanations, as well as open and honest communication.

Parenting today’s children is no easy task and certainly one that is not to be taken lightly.  It requires us to be more conscious of how our actions and beliefs affect our children, as well as ourselves and others.

Our children need Conscious Parenting and a supportive home environment, where they feel understood, valued, powerful, and loved.  

9 Tips to Consciously Parent Today’s Children:

1.  Treat them with RESPECT.

Respect, defined as “willingness to show consideration or appreciation” by The American Heritage® dictionary, is essential when addressing our children.  Respect from your children cannot be demanded or expected, it must be earned.  Respect needs to be modeled.  If you do not show it to them, they will not give it to you, despite your position of authority.  If you yell at your child, don’t expect her to speak respectfully to you.  If you take a toy away from your child forcefully, don’t be surprised when she does it to you.

It may help you to see your child as a beautiful, courageous and loving being, given to you to guide and support in her young years, as well as a teacher who can teach you about yourself and what is really important in life. 

2.  LISTEN to their opinions.

Children need to know you care and value their thoughts and preferences.  Ask them what they think and really listen, without judging.  Acknowledge their frustrations and show empathy, just as you would if it was your friend expressing her discomfort or complaint.  Even when your child is upset at something that is not important to you, empathize with them anyway.  For example, your 4 year old wants more than anything else to have his 6 year old brother’s race-car.  Instead of shutting him down, acknowledge his feelings and get to the “driver” of what he wants.  Work toward a solution that may be something totally different, but just as fulfilling.  In the end, it may not be the race-car he needed, but his mother/father’s attention instead.

3.  Explain WHY.

The easiest way to earn children’s cooperation is by having them understand why you are requesting a certain behavior or action.  Telling them why also gives them the information they need to make their own choice in a similar situation in the future.  For instance, instead of saying, “Turn the music off now!” offer a reason that makes sense to them.  Like, “…because your sister is trying to sleep.”

Even though most times you will gain your child’s cooperation when sharing your reason, be aware that they might not agree with it.  In this case, listen to their reasons.  This moment then becomes an opportunity to discuss the issue.  Don’t be surprised if they give you an idea of how to achieve the same goal in a different way.  To use the example above, your child might say, “Can I put on headphones instead?”

4.  EMPOWER them.

Find useful ways for your children to feel valuable and powerful.  Always physically get to your children’s level when you talk to them.  Bring them up to your level or get down to theirs.  Ask your children to teach you something (like how to draw like them) or to share something with you.

Offer choices.  Choices help children feel in control and powerful.  Just make sure that when you give choices they are ones you are in agreement with.  For instance, “Would you like to wear your red pajamas or your blue pajamas?”  “Would you like to leave in 3 minutes or 5 minutes?” “Would you like a piggy back ride to bed or do you want to be a wheel barrow?”  If they offer a third option, and that option is OK with you, go with it.

5.  Find ALTERNATIVES to PUNISHMENT.

Fear and force are ineffective tools to motivate others, including children.  Punishment, including the traditional “time-out,” tries to control a child’s behavior through an outside source.  It has the illusion of being effective because it may be, but only in the short term. Imposing a punishment does not develop self-responsibility in a child, instead children become compliant or resistant and resentful.

Some alternatives to punishment are:

a)      self-calming place:  a place where you or your child can go to when your emotions have escalated and you need to achieve a peaceful state of mind in order to find a solution to a problem.  Your child’s self-calming space will have things to help her quiet down on her own, like a special blanket, a stuffed animal, playdough, or LEGOs®.  Allow your child to choose the items for this space.  If your child is having an emotionally intense moment, you can lovingly and gently guide her to her self-calming space and tell her to come out when she is ready to find a solution.  Hint:  the best way of teaching this strategy is to model it yourself.

b)      natural consequence: flows out of events without you having to do anything to interfere.  For example, your child does not want to wear a jacket when going outside to play in the winter.  You do not make her wear it; she will experience the cold herself.  (Only use natural consequences if it is safe!).

c)      logical consequence:  occurs when you and your child decide together what the solution to a problem will be.  Together you may come up with a list of items and write them down to help you decide on the best option.   You both agree on a consequence that is logically related to your child’s behavior.  For example, your child breaks a neighbor’s window.  Instead of punishing him, your child decides to mow the neighbor’s lawn and wash his car several times to repay the cost of repairing the window. 

d)      Mini-logical consequence:  happens when you make a spontaneous decision without discussing it with your child.  The consequence is logically related to the child’s behavior.  This can happen when your child spills a glass of milk, and without making any negative remarks, you hand her a cloth to clean it up.  You can also ask her what she can do differently next time to avoid the accident.

These alternatives to punishment teach responsibility and internal control.  Another benefit is that your child feels that she is treated fairly and with respect.

6.  Encourage NEGOTIATION to achieve WIN-WIN solutions.

When in a power struggle with your child, find ways to allow both of you to get what you want and be happy with the end result.  This requires that each of you listen intently to what the other wants, while staying committed to your own wish or need.

For example, while arguing with your child about the mess of toys in the living room, stop and say, “I see that your solution of leaving the toys on the floor is great for you to win.  I want you to win, too.  I also want a clean living room.  How can we do this so that both of us can win?”  Continue looking for a solution until both of you are satisfied with one.

Effective negotiation is an incredibly helpful skill to have.  Your children can use it with each other, with friends, and with anyone they encounter.  Imagine what the world would be like if business and world leaders would find win-win solutions for all their power struggles!  Our children are the leaders of tomorrow, encourage them to find win-win solutions starting today.

7.  Have FUN together.  Remember to PLAY with your child!

It is so easy for parents to get very involved with the day-to-day responsibilities—work, taking care of the children, homework, extracurricular activities, grocery shopping, etc.-- and forget to enjoy the simple moments and have fun.  Play is a wonderful way to connect with your child and your own inner child as well!

Research shows that unstructured playtime is essential to children’s neurological development.  It is actually necessary for our development and well-being, both child and parent.  Make a playdate with your child or take advantage of a spontaneous moment to have fun.   You may let your child choose what to play and let him lead!  Make sure to do this several times a week.  It does not have to be a whole game of baseball, just a period of time to make positive connections with your child.

8.  Connect with your DIVINE GUIDANCE.

Use your “mother’s intuition” to guide you.  By the way, dad’s have it too!  Your intuition is a great tool that you have available to help you make from every day decisions to important ones.  Your intuition can help you answer questions like, “what type of food is best for my child at this moment?” “Which doctor would be most compatible with my family’s needs and beliefs?” and “My child is not feeling well today, should she go to school anyway?”

Your intuition connects you to higher guidance and spiritual helpers.  You might call this help God, Higher Self, Creator, Angels, Jesus, Mother Mary, etc.  It doesn’t matter what you call it, you will recognize it because it brings you a feeling of love and peace.  We have much spiritual help available, we just need to ask for it and trust that it is given.

When you ask for divine guidance, your requests are always answered.  So after asking for divine assistance, pay attention to any visions, feelings, words or knowing you experience at that moment and in the following weeks.   For example, you might be guided to someone or something (like a book) who would give you the “answer” you are looking for.  Another benefit is that as you follow your inner guidance, you encourage your child to do the same!

9.  Ask, “WHAT WOULD LOVE DO?”

Conscious Parenting requires us to parent from the heart.  The most important point to remember is to set the intention to have LOVE guide you in everything you do.  When faced with a question, choice, or a moment of struggle (maybe a power struggle with your child), stop and ask yourself, “What would love do?”  Then, pay attention, because you will receive an answer.  Your energy will change and your experience will change.  Setting your intention on choosing love will benefit all involved, including yourself!

Many times we think and act based on fear (the opposite of love).  This brings to us disappointment, dis-ease, and unfulfilling experiences.  Asking, “What would love do?” helps us to choose from a place of love, therefore creating experiences that bring us joy, happiness, peace and fulfillment. 

Miracles occur when you act from love.  Our children know this.  Let’s partner with them in creating a world based on Love, starting at home!

Our children are a precious gift!  Enjoy the blessed opportunities to BE with them.  Remember to be patient with yourself.  Conscious Parenting is a process.  Relax, have fun and play!

by Dumari Dancoes

(c) 2006

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