Heart-based Communication, A Gift

Parenting through Your Heart Series (Part II)

Your child says to you, “No I won’t and you can’t make me!”  Your anger and frustration increase when you hear these words.  You are ready to let your child know “who’s the boss!”

But wait!  Could this be an opportunity for something positive to happen?  Could this be an opportunity for both of you to connect at a deeper level?  When your child behaves in ways you do not understand and do not like, you can give them and yourself a great gift… a heart-to-heart connection.

Before you react to your child’s comment, take a moment to tune into what their heart is saying and connect with your own heart as well.  This heart connection will result in empathy, mutual understanding and respect.

Connecting with your heart’s wisdom will allow you to see that “misbehavior” is your child trying to communicate that a need or desire is not being met.

Basic Needs & Desires

We all have the same basic needs and desires.  These needs and desires are normal and healthy.  Our actions are attempts to meet these needs.

Some basic needs/desires we all have are the need for: autonomy, freedom to choose, power, self-worth, play, physical safety, emotional safety, rest, harmony, order, acceptance, appreciation, respect, empathy, understanding, making a contribution, etc.

Are you aware of having these needs/desires yourself?  Can you recognize these needs/desires in your child?  Does it help you shift your perspective when you realize that your child’s “misbehavior” is an attempt to communicate that a need has not been met? 

When our needs/desires ARE met, we feel good.  We feel:  joyous, thankful, glad, relieved, hopeful, fulfilled, optimistic, excited, etc.

When our needs/desires ARE NOT met, we feel bad.  We feel: angry, confused, disappointed, frustrated, sad, concerned, discouraged, overwhelmed, annoyed, etc.

For example, if your child’s need for autonomy is not being met, they may choose to not do their homework as a way of getting their need for autonomy met.  Think about it.  You go to school where you are told where to sit, when to eat, and when to go to the bathroom.  You cannot talk to your friend and are forced to listen to materials you consider boring.  Then, you go home and are told to sit and do your homework, when you would rather go outside and play.  How powerful or autonomous would you feel?

Empathy

Empathy opens the door to understanding and deeper connection.  You can empathize with your child by guessing their feelings and needs. 

“I am guessing you feel ___ because you need/want ___.”

“Do you feel ___ because you need/want ___?”

You can also empathize with yourself by becoming aware of your own feelings and needs.  For instance, your child says to you, “You are a bad mom/dad.  I hate you!”  Take this opportunity to connect with your heart and guess what you are feeling and needing at that moment.  Are you feeling sad because you need appreciation? 

You can then empathize with your child.  Guess what he is feeling and needing, “I am guessing you feel frustrated because you want to choose when to do your homework.”

The purpose of empathy is not to solve the problem right away, but to create a deeper connection and understanding between both of you.  Your child will receive the gifts of compassion, understanding, and maybe even gain clarity as to what their needs and feelings are.

Sometimes, empathy is all that your child needs.  Other times, it is the beginning of a dialogue that results in a deeper connection between you.

Observations, Self-Feelings, Self-Needs, Request (OFNR) 

The work of Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is in harmony with Heart-based Communication.  NVC also offers an effective strategy that promotes cooperation and mutual understanding in a non-judgmental way.

When your child does something you do not like, you can use the following statement to express your observations about what is happening, express self-empathy and make a request:

“When I see/hear  _____,

“I feel _____

“because I need _____.

“Are you willing to _____?”

For example, your son just hit his younger sister.  Instead of reacting in the habitual manner, “I can’t believe you hit your sister!  You know we don’t hit!  Go to your room; you are grounded!”  you can connect with your heart before you respond.  Stop, breathe, and set your intention to let your heart (love) guide your actions and words:

“When I see your sister hurting and crying,

“I feel concerned

“because I need safety for everyone.

“Are you willing to use your words instead?”   (or)   “Are you willing to tell me what is going on?”

 

• When you state the facts without blaming, your child does not feel the need to defend himself.
• Sharing your feelings helps your child connect with you.
• When you make a request, your child is more likely to agree (at least consider your wish) than if you make a demand.
• When your child says “No” (and they will), you can empathize, change your request, or offer choices.
• This process builds trust in your child that their needs are important to you.

Win-Win Solutions

Now, let’s put the above strategies (Empathy and OFNR)  together to come up with Win-Win Solutions, where both your needs and your child’s needs are met.

Here's a true life example of how I used Win-Win solutions with my son:

STEP 1:  OBSERVE & LISTEN to child’s feelings, needs, and desires.

                        Parent: “You seem upset about your playdate being cancelled.”

                        Child: “Yes, I am so mad.  I really wanted to play with John today and now I can’t because of this silly storm.”

STEP 2:  EMPATHIZE with your child’s viewpoint

                        Parent: “I am guessing you feel disappointed because you really were looking forward to playing with your friend.”

STEP 3:  Express SELF-FEELINGS & SELF-NEEDS. (“I feel _____ because I

                 need/want  ______.”)

                        Parent: “I feel concerned that if you keep thinking about the cancelled playdate, you won’t let yourself relax because I want us to enjoy our day together.”

STEP 4:  Together come up with ideas that meet the needs of both of you and DECIDE which ones you both like.

                        Parent: “I wonder if we put our heads together if we could come up with an idea that would make you feel better about today.”

                        Child: “You and me could go sledding in the park.”

Parent: “I am willing to go sledding.  How do you feel about sledding in our backyard with your brother and me?

                        Child: “Great.  I’ll go get the sleds.  We can build a snowman too!”

STEP 5:  Use your solution for an agreed period of time.  If the solution does not work, start the process again.

Looking for ways where both of you get your needs and desires met is an important goal of Heart-based Communication.  Your heart guides you into finding win-win solutions that make everyone feel understood and satisfied.

If you connect to your heart and allow love to guide you, you can always find strategies that can work for everyone.

Blessings,

Dumari

By Dumari Dancoes

Last Revised: (c) Children Lights May 2007

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